The whole day, KL was darkened with heavy-laden skies promises of thunders and lightnings were thumping across the light of day! I awaken at 7:00ish, slept around 1am - waited for his return BUT only to have him call to press the lift when sunrise greets my eyes. I jumped off the bed, eagerly dashed to press the lift and dashed back inside and await his arrival. Quickly boiled water when I saw him, my heart fell. I do love him, still - despite not knowing what happened to him for the past many hours while I was asleep. Dunno where he went, what he did, who he spoke to - it is not that I never wanted to know. The fact that I never ask him, it meant I really love him to trust him to freely tell me IF he wants to. I don't have to ask to be told what's happening in his life - all these dark mysteries will continue to bother me as long as I don't have his consent to know. His silence in not telling me anything is his right as a man. I offer him my heart without having him cling to me like a leaf to a branch. He can still have his freedom to choose to do as he please. So as to doubt me, he can. So as to fool around behind my back, he is of the liberty as long as he knows that I love him no matter what.
Honestly, I kinda hated myself for being too open with my thoughts, of being too transparent. I mean, I tell him things of my opinion where else I should have just kept quiet and not say anything. I become a too easy prey. I really dunno what else to say. I am still unsure that he loves me. Today's loving was wild as usual without the pre-loving tenderness of kissing on the lips and kisses on my bosoms. It was all lustful gratifications of his loins and smacked under rubber, his hardness rammed inside my softness. He is a wild lover and the fact that he doesn't want to kiss me still makes me curious. WHY? Doesn't he love me? The fact that he doesn't want to make love to me inside the bedroom no more, why is that? I used to love having him play with me under the blanket, such a unique experience that made me really attracted to him. He used to be so romantic that I really have fallen so much in love with him and no to untanggle myself out of not loving him, it is SO SO HARD.
He's asleep now - see he never holds my hand and pulls me to bed and tells me to sleep with him together. Why is he so so different? Does it mean he loves or simply just not into me? What is wrong with simple gestures of love from him to me when he knows what any women wants, right? Don't I deserve to be treated with gentle care from a man to a woman? He knows that I have been kissed on the lips for months? Forgetla the fact that he will never arouse me before we make love, its all just having his satisfaction all the way. I am not seeing something right I suppose OR am I just denying that he never wanted me seriously anyway. He doesn't care about me not having a place in his house where I can place my clothes ...nothing is permanent for me here in his house. And I am still convince, that he is not sure where I belong in his heart. I guess, I still don't belong anywhere that I am of paramount important to him. I am just like one of his gadget to be used as he please ... and thrown away when he don't need me. And here I am loving him with every breath of life in this body. I never seek fairness though. All I want is a man to love me, that's all. Strange, this time round I find myself weaken by love ... I never was a strong believer in loving someone who can't give me the pleasures of living - and this man, this man who makes me cry and wanting him every time ... why do I give him my heart and my life? I must really understand myself first truly WHAT IS IT ABOUT HIM THAT MAKES ME GO GUGUGAGA ... i LOVE HIM.
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