LOVE'S HOME ALONE

M7W3D16Mon@12:45am
His home


WHERE is he? I will never know and I will never ask ... and guess what ... he will never tell. Now how about that? After the wild union we had, an hour later or so, he slept from abt 6ish to nearly 10ish ... a good 4hours rest. 36 miss calls on his phone and numerous on him - all for him. When he woke up, he ate his mamak mee goreng, and asked me to call this and that number ... and then after his mee mamak was done, I lighted him a ciggy. I complimented him on his good 4 fours of sleep ... then, just as I went into the shower, and I was about done ... he said he was going out ... I barely heard what he said. So, I draped my wet body in towel and saw him already in his jeans and clean shirt ... all ready to go. He said he is going out and I said ok.  As he locked the padlock and when he stretched his right hand for me to kiss my respect and I did. As I closed the door behind me, tiny tears dropped on my cheeks. 

Now he goes and comes back tomorrow ... what time I don't know, and I do care but he doesn't even bother to tell me what time and best part is he will never reply my SMS and since I don't call him .... this is the silence of our relationship that is now bothering every bones in my body. When I first started this relationship with him, I did all this out of respect THINKING THAT ONE DAY HE WILL SOON TIRE OF ME NOT ASKING and eventually, as how normal couple does - informing each other of their locations, and who they see and what they do ... what they wear for that occasion, what happened there and bla bla bla ... what they ate, who made them angry, what was the stupidest thing he heard .. WHATEVER la under the sun, your partner will be story-ing you ... AND fundamentally, NO not answering the CALL or not replying the partner's SMS ... BUT again that is why I am doubting his affection OR what is his intention towards me? Why is he letting me be here? OR is it because I don't want to leave by myself and simply because of that he is staying away? 


Doesn't he know that I don't have anywhere else safe to go? That every where I go everyone wants to have a piece of me ... I am tired of putting off silly gestures that makes me sick every time anyone tries to tackle me ... I am in love with someone who doesn't love me, that is why I am not with him right now - that is my standard answer every time anyone asked me why is it that I am all alone. Doesn't he know that I can't go elsewhere because I love him and I will die if I don't feel him? Doesn't he know that to love him, I had to really gave up a really good lifestyle of good food and good living, etc VS like today, I did not eat a single meal just two boiled eggs - while his meal was a full mamak mee ... he didn't ask me whether I have eaten or what is it that I ate ... ALL THESE SMALL THINGS are the signals that I will start noticing RIGHT NOW! I hated his guts for cheating on me by bringing those stupid females and entertaining them here ... and how many times he meet them outside and where and when I will never know ... I just hated him for throwing me out nowhere because he WANTS OTHER WOMEN INSIDE HERE. WHY? WHY? WHY? I will never accept that deceit. 


I WILL continue loving him. I just hope I can anchor myself with pride soon so that he will not look down on me ever again. As it is I believed he thinks very low of me not knowing what sort of a person I am truly am. I shall hope to see him in action outside - what does he do with himself and his body. 


I want to know this stranger who is also the same man that comes home everyday and walked into this house and calls me his bf and he is the man that I love. 


NO SMS and no calls from him. It's 1:23am now. How lonely is my heart loving this man. Sigh.