1:12pm ... his h ouse, KL!
For the 1st time in the last 4 days, I see him sleeping - just clad in his towel and T-Shirt. Swiftly, I plugged in his blackberry, placed his ring and magnetic wristband on the side table. Folded his undie and socks neatly. Impulsively, I wanted to kiss him and snuggle with him in bed ... no matter how tempted I was, I just paused my desire. I stood pausing for a good few seconds and stared at his sleeping-self. I looked at him, not the slightest feeling of hatred stems from my very angry ego! That only means, I SO LOVE HIM!
Hours ago, we thrashed ... or I thrashed my heart out. I had made it clear that 'the game' starts when I make that phone call to Mr.X (that's the protagonist to play a leading role inside my dramatic love story!).
Could hear him coughing ... and I need to continue my laundry chores - I find it strange that I am slowly dreading that responsibility that I had used to enjoy tiring my body to do ... cleaning the house and making sure his 'heavenly-abode' feels like almost-heaven every time he steps into the house. I mean, as much as I can do BUT as I always tell him: " ... a good training for me in the future, so that I can know how to make a home." That's the real truth in fact.
Still disjointed the way I wanted to start off my BLOG of love ... just that I wouldn't want to miss this dramatic punch of the Friday blues ... I know I'll be away for the weekend ... and for the first time in this relationship - I still don't feel that I BELONG to him, as how I used to feel - now that I know he confessed to his 'amorous' philanderings ... I can't feel ONE with him no more, realising all the hurt and shame and the wasted money I had to cling on to every cent as my life was hanging on loving him! As far as I can recall, basically spent the whole 1 month crying ... and when I decided TO STOP CRYING WAS THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE ... that's the day when I had to come to my senses that he might be in love with me as much as I do. No Laila Majnun or Uda & Dara love-story tragedies ... SIMPLY a case of LOVE getting blinded by her own foolish heart.
I am still waiting for LOVE to come my way ... I am sure there is a man to will love me as how any man should love a woman ... there are no set guided rules or Standard Protocols and everyone MUST be original ... and to me, imperfection is perfection ... ALL I WANT is a man to love me - a man who is so besotted by feeling fluttering inside his body - and he has no definition for it ... I wish for a man to go crazy, head over heel for me ... Nah, not as movie-ish ... but that universal reaction to RISK the UNKNOWN and live to serve his heart in the name of God, our Creator and LOVE.
This man who I have given all the pieces of my heart ... taking back some of the love from him seems so ridiculous ... Love makes me so weak, Love makes my head go beserk ... Love humbles me to learn NEW THINGS from him ... simple things about life, living and most important about religion-God. Just few days ago, this is funny: He changed his screensaver to the universcape-theme ... so as to akin to my current fancy on the universe ... the dark matter, precisely.
BLOG as to my ends wits, I wish ... sayonara! Feeling the pressure of time, hot as the day is burning daylight ... I am sensing the familiar tension brewing in my own beating heart ... I can almost hear myself saying: Bloody just do as you pleaselah, Love! Why must you be so silly ... still standing yourself to be casted by the stones of shame every time he tells you: Kakak is coming back at bla, bla, bla time ... and guessed what, I panicked every time and just made sure he is protected from any suspicious findings of a female's presence in the house. I seriously do not know what he says .. or who he is when I closed that door behind me, and the steps in front of me is always blurry for I can never know exactly where to go next. EVEN this week, is another episode despite me having a 'nest' to rest my body and sad heart ... BUT I will never tell him how hurt I am loving him and leaving him to his legitimate mate. That is the time when I can't seem to focus on being a heartless cold love ... for I curse myself everyday loving him and the tears just kept flowing and I am again lost in my own sadness. Worst, I bled and healed myself each time that day passed by without a single SMS from him. With best-kept Ringgits, I will send him topup and yet still NO immediate communication. All these times I thought he was being stoned-cold his personality is such, and I loved his strength.
How wrong was I ... my my!
He was never lost without me ... he had the pleasure of entertaining females inside his own house! And the fact that he once referred his house as 'our' house, our home ... our lover's lair ... WHAT is this GAME playing and I only found out few days ago ... when this whole 'friendship' had blossomed since few months back ... bloody-fooled I was too in love to notice all the signals ... that cheating signals ... BUT NOW i HAVE LOVED him purely and I can't turn back my heart to un-love.
THIS is the decision: He set me free! With the wings of freedom, I declared to him today: I am coming back to love you more and better that how I used to love you, Abang and I will remain LOYAL to you.
He smirked at me, and simply said: "OK. Wait and see if you can do it!" I accepted his challenge."That's the easiest thing to do, Abang because I really love you."
Ohhh, am losing daylight ... GTG my laundry and time's ticking away every ROMANTIC feeling that I wish to have ... I want to feel LOVE and I want to be LOVED by a man who is so attracted to me, for me being me ... just as perky and quirky and NO compulsion to be different ... and we just flow and blend like the river of life ... streaming the sides of time thru UPs and DOWNs ... just together, never leaving each other ... when I close my eyes, I want to know that I am safe, coz I am loved and he is beside me when I wake up. I want to see LOVE in his eyes when I greet a new day.
This is LOVE dreaming of silly wishes ... Ciao!
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