LOVE'S HOME ALONE

M7W3D16Mon@12:45am
His home


WHERE is he? I will never know and I will never ask ... and guess what ... he will never tell. Now how about that? After the wild union we had, an hour later or so, he slept from abt 6ish to nearly 10ish ... a good 4hours rest. 36 miss calls on his phone and numerous on him - all for him. When he woke up, he ate his mamak mee goreng, and asked me to call this and that number ... and then after his mee mamak was done, I lighted him a ciggy. I complimented him on his good 4 fours of sleep ... then, just as I went into the shower, and I was about done ... he said he was going out ... I barely heard what he said. So, I draped my wet body in towel and saw him already in his jeans and clean shirt ... all ready to go. He said he is going out and I said ok.  As he locked the padlock and when he stretched his right hand for me to kiss my respect and I did. As I closed the door behind me, tiny tears dropped on my cheeks. 

Now he goes and comes back tomorrow ... what time I don't know, and I do care but he doesn't even bother to tell me what time and best part is he will never reply my SMS and since I don't call him .... this is the silence of our relationship that is now bothering every bones in my body. When I first started this relationship with him, I did all this out of respect THINKING THAT ONE DAY HE WILL SOON TIRE OF ME NOT ASKING and eventually, as how normal couple does - informing each other of their locations, and who they see and what they do ... what they wear for that occasion, what happened there and bla bla bla ... what they ate, who made them angry, what was the stupidest thing he heard .. WHATEVER la under the sun, your partner will be story-ing you ... AND fundamentally, NO not answering the CALL or not replying the partner's SMS ... BUT again that is why I am doubting his affection OR what is his intention towards me? Why is he letting me be here? OR is it because I don't want to leave by myself and simply because of that he is staying away? 


Doesn't he know that I don't have anywhere else safe to go? That every where I go everyone wants to have a piece of me ... I am tired of putting off silly gestures that makes me sick every time anyone tries to tackle me ... I am in love with someone who doesn't love me, that is why I am not with him right now - that is my standard answer every time anyone asked me why is it that I am all alone. Doesn't he know that I can't go elsewhere because I love him and I will die if I don't feel him? Doesn't he know that to love him, I had to really gave up a really good lifestyle of good food and good living, etc VS like today, I did not eat a single meal just two boiled eggs - while his meal was a full mamak mee ... he didn't ask me whether I have eaten or what is it that I ate ... ALL THESE SMALL THINGS are the signals that I will start noticing RIGHT NOW! I hated his guts for cheating on me by bringing those stupid females and entertaining them here ... and how many times he meet them outside and where and when I will never know ... I just hated him for throwing me out nowhere because he WANTS OTHER WOMEN INSIDE HERE. WHY? WHY? WHY? I will never accept that deceit. 


I WILL continue loving him. I just hope I can anchor myself with pride soon so that he will not look down on me ever again. As it is I believed he thinks very low of me not knowing what sort of a person I am truly am. I shall hope to see him in action outside - what does he do with himself and his body. 


I want to know this stranger who is also the same man that comes home everyday and walked into this house and calls me his bf and he is the man that I love. 


NO SMS and no calls from him. It's 1:23am now. How lonely is my heart loving this man. Sigh. 

Outrageous Union

M7W3D16Mon@6:00pm

The whole day, KL was darkened with heavy-laden skies promises of thunders and lightnings were thumping across the light of day! I awaken at 7:00ish, slept around 1am - waited for his return BUT only to have him call to press the lift when sunrise greets my eyes. I jumped off the bed, eagerly dashed to press the lift and dashed back inside and await his arrival. Quickly boiled water when I saw him, my heart fell. I do love him, still - despite not knowing what happened to him for the past many hours while I was asleep. Dunno where he went, what he did, who he spoke to - it is not that I never wanted to know. The fact that I never ask him, it meant I really love him to trust him to freely tell me IF he wants to. I don't have to ask to be told what's happening in his life - all these dark mysteries will continue to bother me as long as I don't have his consent to know. His silence in not telling me anything is his right as a man. I offer him my heart without having him cling to me like a leaf to a branch. He can still have his freedom to choose to do as he please. So as to doubt me, he can. So as to fool around behind my back, he is of the liberty as long as he knows that I love him no matter what. 

Honestly, I kinda hated myself for being too open with my thoughts, of being too transparent. I mean, I tell him things of my opinion where else I should have just kept quiet and not say anything. I become a too easy prey. I really dunno what else to say. I am still unsure that he loves me. Today's loving was wild as usual without the pre-loving tenderness of kissing on the lips and kisses on my bosoms. It was all lustful gratifications of his loins and smacked under rubber, his hardness rammed inside my softness. He is a wild lover and the fact that he doesn't want to kiss me still makes me curious. WHY? Doesn't he love me? The fact that he doesn't want to make love to me inside the bedroom no more, why is that? I used to love having him play with me under the blanket, such a unique experience that made me really attracted to him. He used to be so romantic that I really have fallen so much in love with him and no to untanggle myself out of not loving him, it is SO SO HARD. 

He's asleep now - see he never holds my hand and pulls me to bed and tells me to sleep with him together. Why is he so so different? Does it mean he loves or simply just not into me? What is wrong with simple gestures of love from him to me when he knows what any women wants, right? Don't I deserve to be treated with gentle care from a man to a woman? He knows that I have been kissed on the lips for months? Forgetla the fact that he will never arouse me before we make love, its all just having his satisfaction all the way. I am not seeing something right I suppose OR am I just denying that he never wanted me seriously anyway. He doesn't care about me not having a place in his house where I can place my clothes ...nothing is permanent for me here in his house. And I am still convince, that he is not sure where I belong in his heart. I guess, I still don't belong anywhere that I am of paramount important to him. I am just like one of his gadget to be used as he please ... and thrown away when he don't need me. And here I am loving him with every breath of life in this body. I never seek fairness though. All I want is a man to love me, that's all. Strange, this time round I find myself weaken by love ... I never was a strong believer in loving someone who can't give me the pleasures of living - and this man, this man who makes me cry and wanting him every time ... why do I give him my heart and my life? I must really understand myself first truly WHAT IS IT ABOUT HIM THAT MAKES ME GO GUGUGAGA ... i LOVE HIM. 

He sleeps ...

12th July, 2012@Friday 

1:12pm ... his h ouse, KL! 

 

For the 1st time in the last 4 days, I see him sleeping - just clad in his towel and T-Shirt. Swiftly, I plugged in his blackberry, placed his ring and magnetic wristband on the side table. Folded his undie and socks neatly. Impulsively, I wanted to kiss him and snuggle with him in bed ... no matter how tempted I was, I just paused my desire. I stood pausing for a good few seconds and stared at his sleeping-self. I looked at him, not the slightest feeling of hatred stems from my very angry ego! That only means, I SO LOVE HIM! 

Hours ago, we thrashed ... or I thrashed my heart out. I had made it clear that 'the game' starts when I make that phone call to Mr.X (that's the protagonist to play a leading role inside my dramatic love story!). 

Could hear him coughing ... and I need to continue my laundry chores - I find it strange that I am slowly dreading that responsibility that I had used to enjoy tiring my body to do ... cleaning the house and making sure his 'heavenly-abode' feels like almost-heaven every time he steps into the house. I mean, as much as I can do BUT as I always tell him: " ... a good training for me in the future, so that I can know how to make a home." That's the real truth in fact. 

Still disjointed the way I wanted to start off my BLOG of love ... just that I wouldn't want to miss this dramatic punch of the Friday blues ... I know I'll be away for the weekend ... and for the first time in this relationship - I still don't feel that I BELONG to him, as how I used to feel - now that I know he confessed to his 'amorous' philanderings ... I can't feel ONE with him no more, realising all the hurt and shame and the wasted money I had to cling on to every cent as my life was hanging on loving him! As far as I can recall, basically spent the whole 1 month crying ... and when I decided TO STOP CRYING WAS THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE ... that's the day when I had to come to my senses that he might be in love with me as much as I do. No Laila Majnun or Uda & Dara love-story tragedies ... SIMPLY a case of LOVE getting blinded by her own foolish heart.

I am still waiting for LOVE to come my way ... I am sure there is a man to will love me as how any man should love a woman ... there are no set guided rules or Standard Protocols and everyone MUST be original ... and to me, imperfection is perfection ... ALL I WANT is a man to love me - a man who is so besotted by feeling fluttering inside his body - and he has no definition for it ... I wish for a man to go crazy, head over heel for me ... Nah, not as movie-ish ... but that universal reaction to RISK the UNKNOWN and live to serve his heart in the name of God, our Creator and LOVE. 

This man who I have given all the pieces of my heart ... taking back some of the love from him seems so ridiculous ... Love makes me so weak, Love makes my head go beserk ... Love humbles me to learn NEW THINGS from him ... simple things about life, living and most important about religion-God. Just few days ago, this is funny: He changed his screensaver to the universcape-theme ... so as to akin to my current fancy on the universe ... the dark matter, precisely. 

BLOG as to my ends wits, I wish ... sayonara! Feeling the pressure of time, hot as the day is burning daylight ... I am sensing the familiar tension brewing in my own beating heart ... I can almost hear myself saying: Bloody just do as you pleaselah, Love! Why must you be so silly ... still standing yourself to be casted by the stones of shame every time he tells you: Kakak is coming back at bla, bla, bla time ... and guessed what, I panicked every time and just made sure he is protected from any suspicious findings of a female's presence in the house. I seriously do not know what he says .. or who he is when I closed that door behind me, and the steps in front of me is always blurry for I can never know exactly where to go next. EVEN this week, is another episode despite me having a 'nest' to rest my body and sad heart ... BUT I will never tell him how hurt I am loving him and leaving him to his legitimate mate. That is the time when I can't seem to focus on being a heartless cold love ... for I curse myself everyday loving him and the tears just kept flowing and I am again lost in my own sadness. Worst, I bled and healed myself each time that day passed by without a single SMS from him. With best-kept Ringgits, I will send him topup and yet still NO immediate communication. All these times I thought he was being stoned-cold his personality is such, and I loved his strength. 

How wrong was I ... my my! 

He was never lost without me ... he had the pleasure of entertaining females inside his own house! And the fact that he once referred his house as 'our' house, our home ... our lover's lair ... WHAT is this GAME playing and I only found out few days ago ... when this whole 'friendship' had blossomed since few months back ... bloody-fooled I was too in love to notice all the signals ... that cheating signals ... BUT NOW i HAVE LOVED him purely and I can't turn back my heart to un-love. 

THIS is the decision: He set me free! With the wings of freedom, I declared to him today: I am coming back to love you more and better that how I used to love you, Abang and I will remain LOYAL to you. 

 

He smirked at me, and simply said: "OK. Wait and see if you can do it!" I accepted his challenge."That's the easiest thing to do, Abang because I really love you."

Ohhh, am losing daylight ... GTG my laundry and time's ticking away every ROMANTIC feeling that I wish to have ... I want to feel LOVE and I want to be LOVED by a man who is so attracted to me, for me being me ... just as perky and quirky and NO compulsion to be different ... and we just flow and blend like the river of life ... streaming the sides of time thru UPs and DOWNs ... just together, never leaving each other ... when I close my eyes, I want to know that I am safe, coz I am loved and he is beside me when I wake up. I want to see LOVE in his eyes when I greet a new day. 

This is LOVE dreaming of silly wishes ... Ciao!